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Fearing Another Harambe Incident, Zoo Miami Preemptively Kills Gorilla

In the wake of the Cincinnati Zoo's decision to kill Harambe the Gorilla after a small-child climbed into its enclosure, Zoo Miami has made the decision to preemptively execute Josephine, their own beloved 46-year-old gorilla, to ensure guest safety.

“The safety of our visitors is our top concern,” said Jill Magilla, Zoo Miami’s coordinator of Animal Executions & Park Relations, speaking at a press conference just before the public execution. When asked why the Zoo would preemptively execute the animal, Ms. Magilla admitted the decision was in part a public relations decision to avoid the type of bad-press facing Cincinnati's zoo. “We think this is the best way to avoid any potential controversy before it starts.”

Visitors to the Zoo were surprisingly receptive to the decision. “Now I don’t need to worry about keeping an eye on my son and getting labeled a bad parent,” said Courtney Monk as her 5-year-old son Aiden rattled the tiger cage. “It was very educational for him to watch something so large and majestic die,” noted Ms. Monk as she waited in line to have Aiden's picture taken with the slain primate.

Despite Ms. Magilla and Zoo Miami’s attempt to nip a controversial situation in the bud, critics of Josephine’s shooting have taken to social media to excoriate the Zoo's decision. The hashtags #JusticeForJosephine and #NotAllPrimates were trending in the South Florida area Wednesday evening.

Rival establishment and outspoken critic of Josephine's execution, Monkey Jungle Island, released a statement declaring “However tragic the incident in Cincinnati may have been, we must not forget our fallen simian brothers. We are all related and must realize #NotAllPrimates should be defined by the actions of one”.

Monkey Jungle Island's Head Primatologist Randall T. Wainwright tweeted:

When asked for a response, Ms. Magillia stated “What happened in Cincinnati was indeed a tragedy, which is why Zoo Miami has taken the necessary steps to avoid a disaster like that from happening here.”

Josephine’s remains will be chopped up and sold in Zoo Miami's gift shop. All proceeds will go to gorilla protection programs.

In other news, more than 1000 African refugees drowned in the Mediterranean Sea. The Plantain could not find a person to comment.

By Joey Ganguzza and Anna Victoria of Villain Theater