The Plantain
latest

Mob of Angry Progressives Named Head of DNC

In a stunning upset, an angry mob of progressive activists has been named the head of the Democratic National Committee.  "This type of large coalition of angry and polarized people is exactly what the Democratic Party needs to come together and defeat Trump," said a hologram of Hillary Clinton to the crowd reminiscent of Obi-Wan or Palpatine, depending on who you ask. 

Shortly after accepting the nomination, the mass split up into 130 smaller "organizing factions" that centered around topics such as climate change, healthcare reform, medical marijuana legalization, and generalized distrust of people with money. 

"Segregating is a great way to make sure that the Democratic Party is as inclusive as possible," said Mariah Walters of the party's "3rd Wave Feminists" faction before being interrupted by a group of mostly-white women representing the party's "Black Feminist" faction that were angry over the relative intersectionality of her group. "If your feminism isn't intersectional, fuck you!" said one group, "If your intersectionality isn't feminist, fuck you" said the other. I'm not sure which.  

The mass attempted to bring its message of uniting the Democratic Party to the streets, but was hindered when another fight broke out between the DNC's Environmental faction and Racial Justice factions over, not the actual worth of the work done by the other group, which everyone agreed was fantastic, but the relative importance of the other's work for society. "Your priorities should be aligned with mine!" yelled the warring factions at once. The fight briefly ended when both groups came together to chastise the party's dwindling Jewish faction for their assumed support of Israeli settlements. "All of you Jews are Hitler!" yelled both sides at the nervous group who briefly contemplated running off to a nearby meeting of the Republican Party on "How to Continue Winning Elections," but didn't feel safe there either.