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24 Million People to Give Up Health Care Coverage for Lent

The Vatican's annual Lent Survey, which lists the most common earthly pleasures given up by Catholics during Lent, was released earlier today. For the first time health care coverage topped the list of luxuries given up as penance to God. "I just felt that it was selfish of me to have health care when so many people in the Country want to pay less in taxes," said Laidy Sanchez of Hialeah, Florida.  

The Vatican has spoken out against the practice of giving up basic health care coverage as penance, saying that Jesus would prefer his children give up more frivolous pleasures like Facebook or Candy, a statement that Republican leadership said was blasphemous. "Since when does the Pope talk on behalf of God?" asked Paul Ryan. 

The Plantain reached out to Jesus for a comment, but has yet to hear back from him. A different Jewish socialist with a carpentry background, Bernie Sanders, did reach out to this reporter to comment, saying that he thought all Americans should be able to keep their health care coverage. He was crucified by Paul Ryan shortly after.

Top 10 Things Given Up For Lent

1. Health Care Coverage

2. Facebook

3. Sex

4. Josh Hartnett Movies

5. Chocolate 

6. Fast Food

7. Alcohol (except for Becky's wedding. That shit'll be turnt)

8. Religion (which is confusing because once you give up religion you are no longer required to give up anything for lent, meaning you don't have to give up religion, meaning you are religious again and you now have to give up something for lent, which will compel you to give up religion again, which...you get it)

9. Saying "turnt" (you're nearly 30 years old for Christ's sake...literally)

10. Cigarettes, but only for a day. Then it becomes soda.